Couples Therapy and the Antidotes to The Four Horseman

In relationships, certain communication patterns are so destructive that researchers can predict the likelihood of divorce. The Gottmans, renowned relationship researchers, coined these behaviours the “Four Horsemen”.

Criticism is the finger pointing attacks that blame your partner and attacks their personality. Defensiveness is the counter-attack from a perceived criticism, whether true of not, and refuses to take responsibility for issues in the relationship. Stonewalling is when you ‘shut down’ before anything is resolved, and turn away from your partner by putting up an impenetrable wall to any communication. And finally, contempt, is the utter disrespect that is the product of years of unresolved resentment and can show up as meanness, mockery, sneering and hostile humour, to name a few.

The good news is, with couples therapy, you can work with an experienced therapist to find better ways to communicate. And fortunately, each horseman has a corresponding antidote to foster healthier interactions with your partner. 

Criticism – The Antidote: The antidote to a criticism, is the ‘Gentle start-up’. Usually, underneath a criticism is an unmet need. However, if it is expressed as frustration or irritation, you're unlikely to get your needs met! A gentle start up is learning to bring the conversation back to you, your feelings, and finding ways to express your need in a positive light. This takes the edge off the finger pointing blame and 'you' statements, and positions the issue back around your positive need, using 'I' statements. In this way, your partner is more likely to feel empathy for you.

Defensiveness – The Antidote: Try and see things from your partner’s perspective and attempt to see any part of the issue you can take responsibility for. The antidote is often acknowledging your part in the issue, or apologising for the role you played.

Stonewalling – The Antidote: When someone stonewalls, they are usually ‘physiologically flooded’. This is a response when someone is emotionally overwhelmed and they just shut down; it can be quite involuntary. When this occurs, it is important to take the time to calm down. You can go for a walk, do some breathing exercises, or any soothing activity like listen to music, meditate, practice yoga or exercise. Once you are calmer, you can come back to the conversation and attempt to speak from a better place.

Contempt – The Antidote: Like with criticism, express your feelings and needs. Again, try using “I” statements, instead of “You” statements.  Let your partner know what you want them to start doing, not what you want them to stop doing. Build a culture of fondness and appreciation by regularly acknowledging your partner’s positive qualities and expressing gratitude.  Be brave enough to reach out for therapy to help work through painful issues from the past that remain unresolved – these can have an impact on how to view your partner today!

So, these are some of the many strategies a couple’s therapist will use to help empower you and your partner to communicate better. However, as the saying goes, old habits die hard. Old habits creep in easily when life gets busy and the pressure is on.

As such, it often requires some teaching and assistance with an experienced therapist to properly work on and integrate these new ways of communicating with your partner.

A few sessions of good quality couples therapy can transform your relationship and help you work towards a more fulfilling and brighter future together.

Book in now with our specialist couple’s therapist today, to begin the journey towards a happier and more fulfilling relationship.

References

https://www.gottman.com/