Couples Therapy and The Four Horseman: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling

One of the most common questions that therapists get asked in couples therapy is, how do we communicate better?

It is a common problem to get caught up in negative patterns of communication, which can result in feeling chronically misheard, misunderstood, criticised and even ridiculed in daily conversations and escalating arguments.

Wait a minute, aren’t romantic relationships supposed to be filled with love, respect, adoration and happiness ever after? Well, if it’s the experience reported by couples coming to our clinic, the answer is a resounding ‘No!’

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is an allegory depicting the end of times in the New Testament. They picture conquest, war, hunger, and death respectively. Sadly, this metaphor is used to describe communication styles in couples that, according to research conducted by the Gottman’s, can predict the end of a relationship. Pretty grim, right! And they are common. So, what are they?

Criticism: The quality of criticism is blaming the other person. You attack their character and personality rather than address the behaviours that bother you. Criticisms can be very hurtful and while they won’t necessarily end your relationship, they often open the door to the more harmful of the horseman, like contempt.

Defensiveness: Defensiveness is characterised by blaming your partner or making counter-attacks to deflect blame. It is very often a response to perceived criticism, is self-protective and lacks the ability to reflect on the possible parts of the conflict which you could take some responsibility for.

Stonewalling: Stonewalling is characterised by withdrawing from the relationship and conversation, which can manifest as the "silent treatment". This often happens when someone feels overwhelmed by emotion – either their partner’s or their own. When someone stonewalls, they withdraw from their partner and stop engaging in communication with them before things can be resolved.

Contempt: Contempt is said to be the biggest relationship killer and is known to be the greatest predictor of divorce. It is a feeling of superiority over your partner, which is often expressed through sarcasm, meanness, eye-rolling, or mockery. It slowly poisons a relationship with disrespect, is profoundly hurtful and can make your partner feel worthless. It is characterised by long-term unresolved issues and resentment.

The good news is, with couples therapy, you and your partner can engage in helpful and meaningful therapeutic tools to learn about these negative communication habits, understand where they come from, and transform your relationship.

Part of this process is learning about The Four Horseman, and their Antidotes. This improved way of communicating can provide a feeling of being finally understood by your partner so that your needs are met in a way that is both satisfying and rewarding.

Book in with our specialist couple’s therapist today, to begin the journey towards a happier and more fulfilling relationship.

References

https://www.gottman.com/